Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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