That's intense
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
