U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
