I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
