Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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