He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
two words...techno handjob
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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