where am i from again
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
