Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
