I need to stop coming to work sober
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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