From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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