so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize