Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
