Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
