I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
