im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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