Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
