The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
