We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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