Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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