I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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