Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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