we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
