Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
