I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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