i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
