Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
