How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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