i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
