You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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