Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
