And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
