thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
