made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Randomize
