Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
