Having a random hookup so left but love u
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize