i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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