she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
