Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
tell me about the fingering
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