??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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