You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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