I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
