peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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