my being single is dangerous.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
