Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
