You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
