Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
