I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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