I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
