Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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