one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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