my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
