I'm sorry my penis didn't work
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
