Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
