Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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