You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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