You don't have asthma, your pregnant
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
