why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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