why didn't you poke me back
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
